I'm Sorry
by MercyDragon264
Summary: Never hurt your precious people... It is the worst feeling in the world because you can never take it back... A series of letters and journal entries to express the true emotions of a village Pariah. Disclaimer.
1. Chapter 1

There is a fine line between love and hate; life and death. For those out there who are like me… we teeter more towards the latter. Every day, we cling onto the cliff face trying to maintain what little of ourselves that is left untouched by the insanity of it all. While we may have friends here and there, they will never understand what it is like. No one but one of our own can understand.

I had, in all, not even four people who I could consider close enough to call friends. Everyone else found me an annoying brat. They thought that I was loud, annoying, brash… But I still tried to add more to my little circle of 'friends'. I never wanted that hatred that they gave me and I wanted them to see me for who I am and look under the protective masks.

No one ever did; not even my friends. They never saw the hurt, the pain, the insanity… At times, I felt relieved. At others… it made everything worse. So much worse… I won't tell you how many times I tried to jump to one side of the cliff or another. My attempts were always halted.

Why can no one understand what it is like to be like us? Why can't they understand that we don't know any better than to be who we are? Why can't they see that we try…? Yes… we try and try but we never succeed. We can be the most talented person on the planet but we will never succeed.

Our minds prevent us. We're grasping at straws at the best of times and it leads us astray. We do things that if we were on top of the cliff, we would never even dream of doing.

I mean… how many people let the mask slip slightly and not realize they're losing it? How many people, when it's pointed out, think 'that isn't even close to blowing up'? We do. We're so far down the cliff that we… that we… I can't explain it. Not to those who aren't like us.

That scenario in the last paragraph… that happened to me. And I didn't realize it and I alienated one of my precious people. I can tell you, the guilt from doing that is overwhelming. I'm tempted to let the numbness set in, oh to tempted, but you must understand… If I let that numbness set in, I'd no longer be able to call myself human.

We have so few real emotions that any emotion, no matter how painful, I like to endure them just to remind me I'm not dead yet. Trust me, I've felt death. I've been in his clutches multiple times. When I wake up from the dreams he sends me, I realize that by going with him, I hurt my precious people. I can't hurt my precious people…

No matter how many times I say sorry, the meaning never gets across. I know sorry isn't enough but I don't know how to express what I'm feeling any other way… It's like I'm drowning, being pulled down by a current that I can't control. My mind goes blank and sorry comes up reflexively… After all, it is my fault things go bad.

So here I am writing this and dedicating it to that precious person I hurt, hoping that you will understand that I don't mean to hurt you. I know that sounds pathetic and I'm not asking for your forgiveness, never forgiveness, just your understanding that if I could change things, and I've tried, that I never would've blown up at you.

If you aren't my precious person, you won't understand why I am saying sorry. If you are not one of us, you won't understand that every word I've written here is true; you won't understand the meaning behind my words.

I just hope that, for those of you who are in neither category and are reading this, you can realize that your precious people… never hurt them. Even if it is unintentionally, never hurt them. You have more than you realize. Cherish every moment you have with them because you don't know when it will end. Even if they piss you off and you fight at every turn, tell them how glad you are that you have them. Don't make the same mistakes that I do repeatedly. And most importantly, never let them go. Without those precious people, life is awfully lonely and you wouldn't like lonely. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

So I'll say it once more and hope that the meaning conveys: I am sorry beyond words and I never meant to hurt you.

Naruto Uzumaki, an undeserving friend

P.S. I really hope no one finds this because that'd be super embarrassing…


	2. Chapter 2

I'm barely holding onto my strings of reality. Every minute of every day, my hands slide further and further down and my mind merges with the chaos below. If I try to fight it, it envelopes me faster. I can't breathe anymore without the hollow ache in my chest. I wish someone could help me. No one can help me.

My head hurts from all the chaos and my emotions are skewed. I don't trust anyone enough to let them help me. No one tries to get me to trust them enough to help me. My only respite in in the pages of this journal.

People think I'm loud and obnoxious; that I couldn't hold a secret to save my life. Maybe their right. But they don't know my secrets. They don't know my true pain. They don't know the face behind the happy mask I put up and when it slips… it angers them, scares them, hurts them… and I am unworthy of any forgiveness. I'm unworthy of even breathing the same air as they do. I'm unworthy of living.

If I give into those thoughts, I hurt them even more. I can never win in this endless battle. I struggle and struggle but I will never come out on top.

I feel these thoughts threatening to swallow me whole and never let me go. I can feel this knife I hold in my hand. It's cold and unforgiving. It's perfect. I smile down at it and then I catch myself. I wouldn't do that to those few who care; I will protect them from the monster I am.

Imagine your worst nightmares. I live mine every day. Can you even comprehend what that is like? Living in this constant fear… I'm scared of everything. Everyone thinks I'm completely unafraid. But that is a total lie; the perfect façade. In truth, I can't go three seconds without that fear right on the tip on my mind. I'm afraid of what will happen if I give in. I'm afraid what I'd end up doing to my precious people. I'm afraid that I'll like what I do to them…

I've thought about turning myself in to make sure that everyone is safe when I finally break. I've gone so far as to walk up the street towards the ANBU headquarters and stand out front for hours on end. In the end, I'm too afraid and I walk away. Why am I afraid? Because they'll say that I'm not 'severe' enough to warrant my blissful imprisonment.

Sometimes I curse at my ability to hide it. I hate how I can fool everyone. I hate how they don't even try to see through it. I hate how I don't let those who want to see through it in. I hate that I am such a coward. I hate how easy it has become to hate. I hate how similar I am to the teme on the inside.

I love how some people think I let them in. It's amusing to see Sakura roll her eyes, to watch Sasuke glare at me, to see Kakashi do that creepy eye smile at us while reading his porn. I wonder what everything would be like if they did know how messed up I am inside. If people suspect or even know a little, they never know it all.

They don't know how I hide myself away to save them. How I'm constantly thinking of how to make my mask stronger. How to adapt it to keep it all in; it's how I started this journal. This way I can let my mask out before it overflows. This way, maybe I can save those I care for.

Please let this work… I don't think I have that much longer before my strings run out.


	3. Chapter 3

If I could, I'd fall down on my knees and beg. Beg for forgiveness; beg for redemption… beg for help. I'm surrounded but I'm alone. No one understands: I am dying inside. They see the happy face but they don't see the darkness hidden in my eyes, and I know it's there. I see that darkness every day and it gets darker all the while.

Sai's been teaching me to draw when we're free. The stuff I turn out isn't what most people would expect. They would probably expect pictures of all of us, Sasuke included, hanging out and goofing around. What I draw would probably be equal to Orochimaru dressing in drag – well he's already done that part – and starting a conga line in the market district… probably naked as well… and I should drop the other pieces because that's seriously starting to disturb me.

I do the stuff everyone expects me to do terribly while with Sai but once I get home… everything turns bloody in a literal sense – never thought I'd be grateful for my curse. Did you know that blood makes such a lovely colored paint? It does. It adds just the right details that normal red paint wouldn't add; it gives the painting class, a meaning. You probably think I'm insane. You're probably right.

My paintings and sketches look better and better every day, especially right after missions. Writing, art, getting it out there where no one can see… it helps ever so slightly. You probably don't see I like that, but I do. Maybe if I place one of my paintings in that grumpy old merchant who always sells me rotten meat's bedroom he'll stop giving me the rotten shit. He'll probably stop selling to me period end of story.

Don't you love my life? I do. That's why I'm doing all of this. So I can stay alive; keep sight of why I need to stay alive. I've already decided not to be Hokage. The village doesn't need someone like me in power to ruin it. I'd probably have us in a war within three days what with me looking like the Yondaime – my father – and all.

You know, I was talking to the crazy snake lady the other day – we actually hit if off pretty well. We got talking about psychology and how it plays into her job and other stuff. She said that the truly insane don't question their sanity. I wonder if it's true or if she can actually see and was trying to make me feel better… Out of every one she's probably the only one with the potential to see; not that anyone would believe her if she tried telling them.

If someone's reading this, I don't know a hundred thousand years from now… Don't be like me. Go to a therapist or someone; just don't keep it bottled inside. At least you'll be able to get the help that I wish I could have.


End file.
